Satire

It is officially the point in time during the second semester where the registration process for next fall has begun, and the highly anticipated list of Honors courses has been released. Here are some of our favorites:

HNRS 4543: Hunting and Slaughtering (taught by Sodexo staff)
Have you ever wondered where the university gets our high-quality meats? Wonder no longer, and join our state-of-the-art Sodexo staff members to hunt, and then slaughter game native to Connecticut––from our hands, to your table.

HNRS 4321: Chemistry of History
In case you thought our classes thus far have been irrelevant, we found a way to somehow make one even worse. For all you chemistry and history buffs out there––the three of you on this campus––we’ve got you covered.

HNRS 3578: Cultural Appropriation (taught by Sodexo staff)
Turn five basic spices into all the culturally diverse foods of the world. Learn how to create recipes without using research, take a really hard look at a reference photo and use your best inclination. Call it “fusion” and call it a day.

HNRS 4200: Entering the Cannabis Industry (for business majors)
What are you actually supposed to do with a degree in business? For those of you who don’t want to suffocate in a cubicle all day, come learn the ins-and-outs of selling the Devil’s Lettuce.

HNRS 6660: Intro to Performative Activism (taught by an entirely white male staff)
Everyone needs a good inclusivity and advocacy effort to put on their resume. Who better than today’s white male saviors to teach us how to pretend to understand equality and the struggles of minority groups than the most oppressed group of all?

HNRS 6969: Abstinence in the Undergraduate Setting (taught by Health Services)
University tuition is high enough, and regardless of your response to an unwanted pregnancy, the action that follows is not financially ideal for any student in this institution. Clearly, the only sound option is abstinence, especially since there’s a chance that Health Services might lose your STD test samples in the middle of a tropical storm. For those of you who want to take the risk of engaging in sexual intercourse, we will only give out the most vile-colored condoms.

HNRS 3800: Misdiagnosing in the Health Industry (also taught by Health Services)
From telling students with a sore throat that they have HIV to telling a virgin they’re pregnant, there’s plenty not to learn. Gaslight your patients until they become hypochondriacs so you CAN’T be wrong.

HNRS 1234: Service-learning: Incel prevention
Science and women everywhere agree, incels are a social blight. Receive hands-on experience in reducing the number of incels in the world during this service learning class. Course materials include a Tinder Premium account.

HNRS 4444: Intro to Advanced Hieroglyphics – From Sumerian to Emojis
We have long communicated as a species through a variety of methods, but symbols have never quite escaped such methodology. From hieroglyphics to emojis, learn the evolution, devolution and sometimes randomness of it all. Draw some pictures, too, while you’re at it!

HNRS 1111: Basket Weaving & Grass Feeling
This class is for all you chronically-online, introverts out there. Sit in a circle, singing “Kumbaya” while learning about reality. And we mean reality––not the one you think exists.

HNRS 0000: DIY DEI – Striving for Equality on an anemic budget (taught by Myatt Center staff)
You asked and we listened. Here’s your DEI. Students will learn how to impact change with a minimal budget that simply cannot be increased for “reasons.” See lack of funding in action as the Myatt Center staff has been tasked with teaching this course without any additional fiscal or personnel support.

HNRS 6666: Business Practicum: How to save an institution from bankruptcy
Earn real-life experience as you actively work alongside unpaid admissions and business office interns to devise strategies to keep the university from going under. From Charlie “Renegading” on TikTok to hidden expenses in tuition only viewable after accepting admission, think out of the box before your degree becomes worth about as much as the cardboard of said box.

HNRS 2222: Bubble baths, blankets, and booze: How to burn out a staff trapped by financial need (taught by ORL)
Exploitation is the name of the game. Capitalism isn’t going away anytime soon, so learn how to stay on top by trapping employees in jobs they can’t afford to leave without regard for their mental health. Do so in the context of your very own campus community as we bring in ORL staff, including RAs, who are both very willing and actually happier being exploited than they would be otherwise.

HNRS 1010: “Wow, you’re a graphic designer?” Using Canva to impress your Gen X-Baby Boomer Employers. (Taught by COVID Era Alumni who held virtual internships)
Learn from your very own alumni how to leverage generational technology to understand gaps into jobs, promotions and more. While you learn, our after graduation employment statistics skyrocket by bringing your peers back to academia.

HNRS $4000: A totally real honors class
Let’s be real, you entered the honors program for the scholarship but now you have a thesis looming. Take this course to appease your advisor even though you know you’re dropping the program during your second semester senior year.