The Charger Bulletin

Is this the America youre dreaming of?

SCOTUS bans DEI, suddenly everyone is a white man

Mia Adduci, Editor-in-Chief April 1, 2024

Satire As DEI programs in many states have been shut down, others aiming to preserve the protection of diverse members of academic and professional communities have taken to try and earn legal protection...

Isnt this the perfect place for a graduation ceremony?

Get ready for another perfect graduation ceremony

Ashley Sullivan, Contributing Writer April 1, 2024

Satire Attention, everyone! Come one, come all to the cut-rate 2024 University of New Haven ONE SIZE FITS ALL graduation. Please make your way to the 10x20 football field suitable to fit a million...

Getting around the university: The amazing shuttle system

Zaria Dickerson-Parker, Contributing Writer April 1, 2024

Satire This university has one of the best shuttle systems I have ever seen, better than the MTA -- and that is coming from a New Yorker. Unlike regular transportation systems, the university shuttles...

Give it up bro, youre wrong.

Best ways to deal with mansplaining

Skylar Griffin, Sports Editor April 1, 2024

Satire Welcome to your personal how-to guide on mansplaining, the art of silencing and talking over women – because in the end, men just always know better. It is the best way to get your point and...

They dont actually like each other.

Surviving the soap opera of shared living spaces

Valentina Ortiz Elian, Contributing Writer April 1, 2024

Satire The hallowed walls of residence halls, where dreams of academic success collide with the harsh reality of shared living spaces and the everyday struggles of young adults. The college experience...

Theyre after us, stay safe yall.

Groundbreaking proof that pigeons are government spies

Christopher Elwell, Managing Editor April 1, 2024

Satire Let me start by asking one question: have you ever seen a baby pigeon? I can answer that for you. The answer is no. The government wants to ensure they are fully trained to catch your every...

Pick Birdo if you want an automatic win.

Objectively ranking the best Mario Kart characters

Christopher Elwell, Managing Editor April 1, 2024

Satire As an epic video game expert, I’m here to give you an objective list of which characters you should use when playing the best game ever created: Mario Kart Wii. I have mastered this game and...

Be careful next time, Dr. Z.

Administrators injured causing EV scooter ban on campus

Erin Smith, Politics Editor April 1, 2024

Satire In December, Ophelie Rowe-Allen, dean of students, sent an email to the school that said, “The University has decided to ban electric scooters and other electric transportation devices, such...

View of the always crowded intersection of Main Street and Campbell Avenue.

Campbell Avenue voted safest road in America

Christopher Elwell, Managing Editor April 1, 2024

Satire Who would’ve thought? A recent poll across the U.S. was conducted to see which state had the safest drivers. Not only was Connecticut voted number one, but Campbell Avenue located right next...

RIP Charlie, gone but never forgotten, West Haven.

SCSU replaces beloved Charlie statue with Trojan horse

Christopher Elwell, Sports Editor April 4, 2023

In a poor attempt of revenge for beating them in every head-to-head matchup, Southern Connecticut State University (SCSU) staged a heist of a beloved member of the University of New Haven community. Jealousy...

University seeks to increase range of studies, introduces new majors

Mia Adduci, Managing Editor April 4, 2023

SATIRE The university is constantly seeking to create a safe space for new niches of students who can’t seem to find their place in any area of study that will actually secure them a job after graduation,...

University Announces real horse to replace Charlie the Charger mascot

Danielle Catalano, Contributing Writer April 4, 2023

SATIRE The University of New Haven recently announced a change in the beloved Charlie the Charger mascot with him becoming a real horse. While this Pinocchio-like story sounds far-out, the school believes...


The NPCs aren’t just alive, they’re multiplying

Christopher Elwell, Sports Editor April 4, 2023

SATIRE There is a widespread issue at the University of New Haven. It may not be the parking problems like you would expect, or even being served questionable food at times. The development and multiplication...

New RSO seeks to cancel the First Amendment

Lindsay Giovannone, Columnist April 4, 2023

SATIRE A new recognized student organization (RSO) will be coming to campus: the Stop Talking Freely Union (STFU). STFU seeks to dismantle the First Amendment rights of students and rallies to only...

A needlessly thorough roast of inferior college newspapers

Editorial Board April 4, 2023

SATIRE Yale Daily News (Yale University): Why do you have a column called Sex on the Weekend? Everyone knows Yale students don’t have sex. The Spectrum (Sacred Heart): We are unsure if your paper...

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