The Charger Bulletin

RIP Charlie, gone but never forgotten, West Haven.

SCSU replaces beloved Charlie statue with Trojan horse

Christopher Elwell, Sports Editor April 4, 2023

In a poor attempt of revenge for beating them in every head-to-head matchup, Southern Connecticut State University (SCSU) staged a heist of a beloved member of the University of New Haven community. Jealousy...

University seeks to increase range of studies, introduces new majors

Mia Adduci, Managing Editor April 4, 2023

SATIRE The university is constantly seeking to create a safe space for new niches of students who can’t seem to find their place in any area of study that will actually secure them a job after graduation,...

University Announces real horse to replace Charlie the Charger mascot

Danielle Catalano, Contributing Writer April 4, 2023

SATIRE The University of New Haven recently announced a change in the beloved Charlie the Charger mascot with him becoming a real horse. While this Pinocchio-like story sounds far-out, the school believes...

Jumpscare.

The NPCs aren’t just alive, they’re multiplying

Christopher Elwell, Sports Editor April 4, 2023

SATIRE There is a widespread issue at the University of New Haven. It may not be the parking problems like you would expect, or even being served questionable food at times. The development and multiplication...

New RSO seeks to cancel the First Amendment

Lindsay Giovannone, Columnist April 4, 2023

SATIRE A new recognized student organization (RSO) will be coming to campus: the Stop Talking Freely Union (STFU). STFU seeks to dismantle the First Amendment rights of students and rallies to only...

A needlessly thorough roast of inferior college newspapers

Editorial Board April 4, 2023

SATIRE Yale Daily News (Yale University): Why do you have a column called Sex on the Weekend? Everyone knows Yale students don’t have sex. The Spectrum (Sacred Heart): We are unsure if your paper...

Please buy my clothes, I’m going on a reality show

Justin Coviello, Campus News Editor April 4, 2023

SATIRE Much like any adolescent child with the entirety of human creativity at his fingertips, I grew up with a dream: to be a reality television star. Throughout my formative years, I spent hours a...

Man is shamed.

Student forgets to post internship on LinkedIn, deemed ‘worst human’

Tyler Wells, Editor-in-Chief April 4, 2023

SATIRE Jonathan Lainell arrived at the University of New Haven with a dream in sight: to achieve a career in marketing. He inched closer to that reality through every menial core competency course,...

President Sheahon Zenger is not on antibiotics

Lindsay Giovannone, Columnist April 4, 2023

SATIRE This interview with Dr. Sheahon Zenger, the interim president of the University of New Haven has been condensed and edited for clarity. Q: Are you on antibiotics by any chance? Zenger: No....

Charger x YikYak collab.

The university should turn to Yik Yak as its official correspondence platform

Justin Coviello, Campus News Editor April 4, 2023

SATIRE A common opinion among university students is that they are tired of getting bombarded with emails every day: Canvas grade change this, “your package is ready” that, and what the heck is...

The shiny new eSports Arena, West Haven.

eSports Arena set to replace DellaCamera Stadium

Chris Valentine, Contributing Writer April 4, 2023

Following discussions among administrative university staff concerning the implementation of artificial intelligence (AI) in higher education, communication from the Office of Marketing and Communications...

Food combinations you should be arrested for eating

Christopher Elwell, Sports Editor April 4, 2023

SATIRE Food is something that we all love and enjoy, and while we all have unique pallets, some people just take it too far. They may think they are being fun and creative by coming up with new concoctions...

Florida bans the Bible to combat pornography in schools

Lindsay Giovannone, Columnist April 4, 2023

SATIRE There are 1,648 banned books in the United States and even more that are challenged. According to the American Library Association, books are usually challenged because of “a desire to protect...

Tension rises on campus between dorms, sides form for looming revolution

Tyler Wells, Editor-in-Chief April 4, 2023

The air in the Bixler/Gerber Quad was dead as flurries of snow settled into a cold March afternoon. The only audible noises were the distant ringing of police sirens and the calamity of an ultimate frisbee...

Costruction commences, West Haven.

Forest Hills Apartments to be revamped as a Toys R Us

Presley DePugh, Arts & Life Editor April 4, 2023

SATIRE Toys “R” Us –– the land of hopes, dreams and overpriced toys –– is remembered by Americans having visited children. Even if you weren’t going to buy Barbie dolls or Lego sets from...

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