Satire

Recent discoveries have unveiled the truth behind the recruitment process at the University of New Haven. A pyramid scheme, code-named “Charlie’s Angels” after CEO Kaplan’s personal favorite flick, uses clever wordplay off of our innocent mascot to execute the most elaborate multi-million dollar scheme in the American education system.

The admissions office is currently overpopulated with “Charger Ambassadors,” as the position was created to be filled by animatronic “students” programmed to promote the university.

After carving the bronze Charlie statue right outside of their own building, the admissions staff worked quietly alongside CEO Kaplan and cast techologies foundry to melt down the remaining metal and use it to mass-produce student prototypes to give tours and host events for prospective students.

These bots, programmed by our very own, very real computer engineering students, are fed innumerable pages on campus history and features, as well as an irreversible “tour voice” that never turns off, even when they’re off the clock.

Of course, these “students” are enrolled in classes, and programmed with the information relevant to their assigned majors in order to sell their spot on campus without arousing suspicion.

Recently, the Charlie statue’s tail has gone missing, as a resource shortage resulted in a need for this past week’s accepted student events to be kept more pristine than the statue basking in the center of campus.

Charlie’s Angels work day and night to prepare like elves for large admissions events: packing gift bags, printing brochures, and blowing up balloons that deflate almost immediately in the Connecticut weather. It’s like Christmas every day here.

We got an insider to finesse a spot as an ambassador for the university, and that insider invited the entire staff to an end-of-semester celebratory pool party in Forest Hills Building 3.

If the rumors are true, this may be the end of the line for Kaplan’s multi-million dollar stock increase. If somehow he does succeed, the university will become a top-tier stock on the NASDAQ, and a golden Charger statue might be carved in the middle of Wall Street, right next to its distant cousin, the Charging Bull.

If for some reason the office sends decoys to the party and not the actual bots, we may be left with an unnecessary amount of illness spreading through the student population from the festering ecosystem in the unattended pool, which may house more of a “Forest” than the apartment complex itself.