Positives

+ Many recent graduates are outraged over the fact that the Summer Set is performing at UNH on October 2, mostly because no talented musicians ever played at Fall Fest while they were enrolled here. Good thing none of us have to worry about being old and bitter!

+ Fall break is only about a month away, which is good news for everybody hoping to pumpkin spice themselves into a coma for a few days.

Negatives

– What in the fresh hell were those sad excuses for waffles at brunch on Saturday? I’ll tell you what they weren’t – fresh. #BringBackOurWaffleMaker

– Over the summer, my cat ate a pregnant bird, vomited it back up, into his litterbox, buried it outside, ate it again two days later, and had to have the whole “thing” surgically removed from his stomach. We lost track of the thing’s whereabouts until this past weekend, when I realized that it had been erected as a “sculpture” outside Soundview.

The Battery Charge

Vineyard Vines and J. Crew deserve all of the accolades for generously donating to UNH’s West Haven Beach Cleanup Walkathon for the Cure in Honor of Richard “John Stamos” Rotella, by supplying Richard with even more brightly-colored clothes to break him out of his slump. Therefore, I’m pleased to inform readers that the Richard Roasts shall continue, even if his Margaritaville-themed wardrobe will soon need to be retired until next season. If you’re experiencing any gloominess and are a less-than-colorful version of yourself, like former-President Rotella was feeling last week, feel free to seek advice from the counseling services on campus.