SATIRE

A common opinion among university students is that they are tired of getting bombarded with emails every day: Canvas grade change this, “your package is ready” that, and what the heck is a provost search anyway? That notification tally on the Outlook app on your phone seems to only ever go up, until it’s reached a stress-inducing number. With our university so laser-focused on maximizing student well-being and comfortability, it’s time for a change to how important campus information is disseminated.

Luckily, the replacement is already downloaded on an astounding number of college students’ phones: Yik Yak. A widely popular social media platform within college towns, Yik Yak’s main draw is that it allows people to communicate locally with each other under the guise of near-total anonymity. Users can upvote and downvote other posts, much like other reputable and innocent apps such as Reddit or Tumblr.

Gone are the days of emails telling you about North Campus’s parking being restricted for a pesky football game; now simply check the Yak (that’s what the cool kids call it) and look for an entirely anonymously, potentially fake post from not-Adam Brown!

Speaking of scams, you will no longer have to deal with phishing links and subsequent responses from Barracuda Email Protection ad nauseam telling you not to accept that vague job request that you didn’t apply for. The only thing you have to worry about on Yik Yak is whether or not that hook-up chat you responded to was genuine.

Need to meet with a professor? Just make a post on the new chatboard feature introduced in the hot-off-the-presses update that everyone is raving about. Just make sure you’re detailed enough in your post that the professor knows you are talking to them, but don’t use any names or useful information which may doxx you or someone else. After all, Yik Yak is largely a friendly environment that has no tolerance for bullying or harassment (anymore).

Perhaps the greatest benefit from this switch will be for recognized student organizations (RSO’s), as Yik Yak’s propensity for engagement will be a significant boon for co-sponsorships between organizations. It’s already a home to friendly relations between fraternities and sororities, so surely a massive influx of new RSO’s using the app to advertise their events will end in cordiality.

Detractors of this change may say that there is nothing presently wrong with their Outlook email, or that they’ll lose everything in their calendar. And in response, I say this: does your Outlook app come in that pretty pastel green that Yik Yak boasts? Didn’t think so, pal.

All good things must come to an end, and much like how email spelled the end of physical mail, it is time for Yik Yak to act as pallbearer for grandpa Outlook, and lay this clearly outdated form of communication down to rest for good.