SATIRE

Much like any adolescent child with the entirety of human creativity at his fingertips, I grew up with a dream: to be a reality television star. Throughout my formative years, I spent hours a day on the couch watching people “act” through the colorful plasma that enthralled my optic nerves: from “Ink Master” to “Love Island” to “Survivor,” these programs ruled my life.

I thought the day would never come. After countless auditions pouring my heart and soul into being the most unlikeable and irredeemable excuse of a human possible, I had begun to give up. Dedicating my entire being into an acting career began to seem all for naught.

Celebrities and actors always talk about that “big break,” and for many it may seem like a fantasy or an exaggeration. I felt the same for most of my life until that one fateful day.

I received a phone call, just the other day, from a man named Johnathan O’Pants, the newly hired producer for “Naked and Afraid.” He had seen my audition tapes from other shows, and saw me as a man so disgusting and reprehensible in character that there was no way I wouldn’t make him money. I was told to pack my bags and prepare for my flight to the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Elation flooded my body. I pranced around my room and over couches, unable to contain the glee which had come over me. I kicked and screamed and jumped, losing my shoes and socks in the process (something I will have to get used to).

I’ve heard nothing but wondrous things about people who have been invited onto the show, saying that it changed their lives. I can only assume for the better.

Much like a person’s attitude toward technology after being without it for an extended period of time, I anticipate a change in my wardrobe after my personal foray into “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” As such, I am hereby announcing an auction of all my clothes in advance of my new life. There will be a yard sale on April 32 in the Maxcy Quad.

My closet is a modge podge of fabric ranging from Hawaiian shirts and dress polos to hoodies and flannels, with a variety of flamboyant summer shorts, comfy joggers and practical jeans and chinos to hold up the rear. I am also willing to part with a tan corduroy fleece jacket, a New York Yankees jersey with Gerrit Cole’s number on the back and an entire suit from JoS. A. Bank along with an assortment of dress shirts and ties.

As a brother of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity, I also own a bounty of shirts and pants bearing our letters. While these are the most difficult for me to part with, I am willing to give them away to any person who can prove themselves a fellow brother.

I am looking forward to this new era in my life, and eagerly await what evolutions are in store for the new Justin Coviello. I hope you all cheer me on in this endeavor as I compete on the next season of “Naked and Afraid.”