Satire

Dear Entertainment Editor,
Why is life so cruel? What exactly is our crime, that we must live off of the blood that flows through our veins? What do you think we’ll do if we’re thirsty for a drink? Don’t humans gorge themselves on fattening foods like burgers and pizza? We vampires should have equal rights to be fed.

For those who aren’t as educated on this subject or very vampire-friendly, let me tell you that the sun despises our very existence. Did you know that the intentional light humans refer to as daylight is actually fire to our skin? There’s no vampire lotion to comfort and soothe our scaling skin under the blistering rays of sun. Why then, humans, don’t you include us in your little cosmetic inventions, we’d love to buy make-up and skin care products, just as much as you do.

We have a class of humanity in our species as well, and we don’t want to spend years locked in coffins eating earthworms and skeletons that do not even quench our thirst or hunger. It’s like surviving solely on bread; I’m not talking about the Panera variety, I’m talking about regular Walmart bread. If that isn’t enough to make you feel guilty, consider this: why do you persecute and crucify us for being creepy? Not that I deny any allegations that we are sucking human blood while they are fast asleep, but how else are we to do this when you’re fully awake? We’re not that inhuman after all, are we?

Even though we don’t have a pulse that runs through our veins, we still despise being condemned. Could we please just get along? We don’t mean any harm. My preferred blood type, however, is O+. It’s so delicious that once I get a hold of it, I can’t get enough of it. Believe me when I say that A is the absolute worst. It smells horrible and tastes so stale. I’ve often wondered if people behave according to their blood type. Are people with the O+ blood group the sweetest?

For far too long, our needs have gone unnoticed. I despise dating within my clan. I thrive on meeting new people and making new friends. For that, dear Bulletin editor, I require your immediate assistance. Could you please eliminate the sun for me? Could you please get me some more O + type blood? It would be ideal to have a blood farm. In the same way that you have chicken farms. The sun is ridiculously overrated. Can’t you humans make use of those fancy things called lamps? In a dark, dark world, I would feel more at ease.

Finally, please don’t expect our men to be gentlemen like Edward from the “Twilight” series. That is not how we are. Period. Let’s just say we’re supposed to be feared. We’re not looking for the next Bella Swan. Our reputation has been tainted by creations such as Edward, Stephen and Damon, and who knows what else you humans have created. Could you please stop? Of course, there are many more works that portray us negatively, but we will negotiate later to determine which pieces of media must be removed.

Humans are said to enjoy sympathy, so please sympathize with my clan. It’s a request for assistance, dear editor. I’ve heard that all humans have previously aided the werewolves, so why shouldn’t we? I’ll wait for a response from The Charger Bulletin within the next week, and if you fail to meet our needs, we’ll start sucking each editor’s blood, beginning with you.
Now the countdown begins