Ask Melanie!

The Charger Bulletin

By Melanie Stone

Dear Melanie,

I’ve been dating this guy for about two years now, and things are starting to get serious. It’s clear that we both really care about each other. I think we’re ready to move in together, and I wanted to ask him what he thought about moving in together this summer. How do I go about talking to my boyfriend about this?

-Anonymous

 

Asking someone to move in with you is touchy, whether you are 35 or twenty. The idea of sharing a life with someone and settling down without even being engaged can be a little daunting, especially when the idea is coming from the female in the relationship.

Sometimes situations like this can make the man feel emasculated in a way, or even scared that things are happening so quickly. There is a fine line between things getting really serious, and really complicated. I want you to keep that in mind.

As great as the idea may seem at the moment, you are both still very young, and have plenty of time to live together and make things more official. Right now however, you are still in school and whether he is or not…that is still a very large adjustment for you to make.

For today’s expectations of relationships, two years is definitely a very long time. You have to keep in mind though, that chances are they were not two “perfect” years. Every relationship has its own trials and tribulations, but the hardest part is figuring out whether they are normal, or excessive.

I would say if you guys argue more than three times a month (and I mean really argue), then moving in with one another right now would probably be a very bad idea. At least now if you two get into an argument you can leave each other, have your space, and talk about it when you are both cooled off. Imagine living with each other, getting into a huge fight and having nowhere to go but a different room.

Now, I’m not saying that this could go entirely bad. It could go really well, and you both could realize that you are perfect for each other and want to live together for the rest of your lives. In which case, I would say congratulations! Right now, however, it is my personal opinion that you are much too young to commit yourself to someone that deeply.

Once you move in together, all of your belongings are shared and things get murky. If one fight spirals out of control and one of you goes to move out—who takes the couch? Who gets the television? Who pays last month’s rent, or even keeps the place? These are all really big questions that lead to really complicated answers, and I do not think it is fair to either of you to put so much added stress into your lives at this point in time.

Stay young and in love, and in time advance your relationship to something more. Leave this time for freedom, for space and for time to be young. Once you are living together, it can easily go from dating to marriage very quickly (you don’t just need a ring to be married, living together and sharing everything sort of counts). You have time. Just let things run their course, and whatever is meant to happen will find its way.

However, I still would bring this up to your boyfriend. Express to him how much he means to you, and that you are willing to take this leap of faith for him. If he feels the same way, then perhaps you guys are meant to try this out. If not, then you know that maybe the idea has just been brought up too soon.

Also, if he does not agree right now, it doesn’t mean that he is not just as serious about the relationship as you are! Sometimes guys just move a bit slower when it comes to such a large commitment, and that’s alright. Nothing is worse than saying “what if?” No idea is a bad idea, so express to him how you feel and go from there. At the very least, you would both know where the other stood, and that is still a great thing to figure out.

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