Satire

The fountain of youth, the ambrosia of the gods, vampiric love triangles and the like–for millennia, humanity has been obsessed with immortality. Constantly chasing the cure to death, boldly sparing with Thanatos as he holds them back, like a petulant child, with a single finger on the forehead of humanity.

The alchemy of the 18th century has long evolved into retinol serums and Viagra, fighting against the symptoms of age, but I have found another way––a more effective way of staving off the suffocating tendrils of age. I am declaring that I am immortal. I am immortal until proven otherwise.

The scientific method dictates that you must first observe life, then question what you see, develop a hypothesis, test the hypothesis experimentally, analyze the data and, finally, draw a conclusion. My observations are as follows:

1. I once drank 902 mg of caffeine in the span of one hour in order to finish a paper and bulletin board, which I did in the proceeding two hours, and then promptly fell asleep under 40 pounds worth of weighted blankets.
2. I work with kids aged 5 to 17-years-old, four out of the seven days in the week and have not gone insane yet, nor contracted a disease.
3. This is my fourth year consuming Sodexo (no further explanation needed).
4. I have had two separate men tell me to my face that they “like bare feet” in the span of one day while working in customer service.

From these observations, among non-disclosed others, I began to wonder how I am still alive. My hypothesis: I am immortal. And, consistent with the scientific method, I have begun testing this hypothesis.

1. I wore nothing but heels for an entire week (four inches or higher) and even climbed a tree in said heels.
2. I work 40+ hours a week on top of a full workload and extra-curriculars.
3. I taught a middle aged woman not only what a g-spot was, but then had to convince her that it did exist and how to find it. She and her friend then proceeded to ask me for help with the “Vagina ABCs” book they were creating.
4. I have been consistently running on three to five hours of sleep a night.
5. I’m an RA.

Given each of these very potentially life ending events, and my subsequent survival, I have concluded that I am in fact immortal, and I will continue to be immortal until proven otherwise––lucky for me, such proof is a crime and my academic reputation shall remain intact until the unlikely event of my demise.

I suggest that we all test this hypothesis. Live life as if it is endless, know that what you do has meaning and make decisions as if you will live with them forever.

You are immortal until proven otherwise, and if proven wrong, well I suppose it won’t matter much to you at that point anyway.