Satire
In December, Ophelie Rowe-Allen, dean of students, sent an email to the school that said, “The University has decided to ban electric scooters and other electric transportation devices, such as hoverboards and e-skateboards from campus, effective December 21, 2023.”
The email said the school was banning electric scooters and other electric transportation devices because university leaders have “become increasingly concerned” with the devices since they are powered by a lithium-ion battery.
That is a lie.
The real reason electric scooters and other electric transportation devices have been banned is because our very own interim president of the university, Sheahon Zenger, was injured in an after-hours scooter race that up to now has gone unreported-on. University leadership wants us to think they just go home to their families after working nine to five on campus.
Nope. Instead, they have electric scooter races. And clearly, sometimes they get a little out of control.
Zenger was prepared for his race on Dec. 1, 2023.
For months he had been coming to campus at 2 a.m. to practice the course, which started outside the Peterson Performance Center at North Campus. From there, the course ran to the main campus, where racers hoped they would not be stopped at the crosswalk and lose precious seconds from their time.
The course then took a sharp left turn to pass Bethel, then up that road until you have to go off-road and get to Celentano’s parking lot. What followed was a tight squeeze through the gap between Winchester and Sheffield.
The finish line was at the Charger statue, where Charlie greeted the racers and handed them a “Power on” t-shirt.
Zenger arrived at his usual training session on Tuesday nights with another racer, Ophelie Rowe-Allen. The two have been practicing together for months.
Suddenly, they were approaching the opening between Winchester and Sheffield when Zenger smashed into the curb and launched himself into the brick wall. Left with a dislocated shoulder and sprained ankle, Zenger and Rowe decided enough was enough, and they stopped practice.
While at work, Zenger witnessed plenty of students riding their electric scooters aimlessly around campus without a care in the world and unnamed sources we just made up said he was furious that he couldn’t ride his scooter while healing from his injuries.
Meeting with Rowe-Allen, the duo decided to ban electric scooters and other electric transportation devices on campus to ruin the fun for everyone out of spite.
When asked if this was true, Zenger told The Charger Bulletin staff, “No comment.”
Students who once traveled on these devices are outraged. It doesn’t help that our new president, Jens Frederiksen, rolled into West Haven on his first day of work riding an electric scooter.
In fact, while Frederiksen was studying at Vanderbilt, he became known for his excellence in electric scooter riding.
Nevertheless, the race was rescheduled to May 14, the day after graduation. Electric scooters have become increasingly popular and helped people on campus get where they need to be much quicker than the shuttles that are never on schedule. The courtesy van drivers who are never at their stops and say they can’t go where you need them to are also to blame.
Students say they hope that with new university leadership, Frederiksen, an avid electric scooter athlete, may reverse the ban and once again participate in faculty e-scooter races.
