Satire

Let me start by asking one question: have you ever seen a baby pigeon? I can answer that for you. The answer is no.

The government wants to ensure they are fully trained to catch your every move from the second you leave your house.

Birds are gross creatures in general but pigeons specifically are the worst of them all. Those feathered creeps are everywhere. No matter where you go, there is probably a pigeon within your sight whether you realize it or not.

Now how do I know that pigeons are government spies? Great question. When you hate pigeons as much as I do because of their mere existence, you start to question if they’re real. If you look closely at a pigeon, you can see the camera in their eyes that streams on the TVs in the Oval Office. Their red eyes are designed to throw you off from the fact they’re recording you, but they can’t fool us anymore.

When they make that stupid motion with their head just moving it back and forth as they walk, it makes me want to kick the head like it’s the game-winning goal in the World Cup final.

The worst part is that there are so many of them that you don’t know if the same one is following you all day long. If you’ve ever seen a pigeon sitting on a telephone wire, pay closer attention next time. That’s how they recharge for their long shifts. They don’t take long to recharge since they’re so small, which plays to their advantage. A pigeon can call on one of its spy friends to cover for them during their break to make sure we intelligent life forms are kept in line.

We need to do our part to maintain our privacy. Pigeons are smart in the way they charge on something as necessary as telephone wires because they know we can’t survive without them. They’re clever for that, but we must think of ways to stop them. They can’t keep getting away with these hidden-in-plain-sight tricks that keep them near us.

When you see someone feeding a pigeon, you might need to consider that there are spies among us as humans. They’re feeding their best friend back at the office to give them an energy boost so they can get an aerial view of our daily activities and tendencies. Remember, there is no limit on the number of ways the government believes it can track us. Do your part. When you see someone feeding a pigeon, you have to show them that you mean business and tackle them like a linebacker in open space on a football field.

Pigeons have evolved from when they were actually useful to humans when they worked as carrier pigeons, but researchers and conspiracy theorists alike agree that before they carried the message to the recipient, they stopped at the Oval Office to make sure the government was aware of anything that was going on. They may not agree on much, but when they do, you know whatever it is has to be true. Conspiracies can be complex and ridiculous at times, but when it comes to pigeons, they knew they had to lock in and get to the bottom of their shenanigans.

It’s a smart move on their part, but we can’t keep letting these flying rats have an advantage over us.

There’s no way to know just how much these rats pick up from our daily conversations and movements, but just know, they’re always watching you. So be careful. Don’t give away any critical information about yourself that you don’t want anyone to know.

The best researchers of pigeons, which obviously includes me, are working to come up with a way that we can not only remove the cameras and spy equipment from inside them but also exterminate them because they are creepy and no one wants to look at them.

Like seriously, what good does a rat with wings have in our world?

There is nothing worse in this world than being looked after and indirectly controlled by something that can’t even speak or contribute anything positive to the world. If we all come together, we can get rid of these critters once and for all and create a world where if the government wants to track us, they’ll be making it obvious and their intel comes to a dead end.

Come on people, open your eyes and realize that pigeons are doing everything in their power to ruin our lives and have us under complete control. I, for one, will not allow this to happen and neither should you. Do better and make a world for yourself where you are truly free.