Satire
As an epic video game expert, I’m here to give you an objective list of which characters you should use when playing the best game ever created: Mario Kart Wii. I have mastered this game and used each character enough to know who is best and who is a guaranteed loss every time. I have never lost, so with my help, you won’t either.
Here is my expert ranking of 10 of the main characters:
Birdo – The greatest racer of all time. It doesn’t matter which car you use; Birdo will bring you to the promised land. If you are playing with your sibling or someone overly competitive, it may not be the best idea to use Birdo because they will cry and whine about how badly they lost. If you were to compare Birdo to an actual car, it’s like racing a Corvette against a Civic. You have no chance of winning.
Yoshi – The consensus number one user truly lives up to the hype. Yoshi’s egg cart must have a twin-turbo engine because when the race starts, everyone is left in the dust. Yoshi doesn’t leave much of a chance for other racers, especially with home-field advantage on one of the most fun tracks to race on, Yoshi Falls. If not for Birdo, Yoshi would easily be the best character in the game.
Bowser – An absolute bully on the track. If you saw Bowser coming up behind you, look out. He will push you off the course and strike fear into your heart for the rest of the race. He uses his size to his advantage and makes his presence felt no matter where he is. His combination of size and speed is one-of-a-kind and pairs them well enough to be seen as one of the biggest threats to win in any race.
Mario – The game may be named after him, but he might be one of the most overrated characters to use. He doesn’t do anything extraordinary, but he’s just a solid all-around racer. He’ll always be in the top half of finishers, but his competitors rarely see him as a threat to win every race. His game is built better for battles where consistency is key, but in a standard race, there are better options that you can go with.
Toad – His small stature doesn’t affect his performance on the track. He’s sneaky enough to get past you in the final stretch of a race and is quietly one of the fastest racers to choose from. His carts hold him back slightly, but in a crowded bunch, he almost always comes out on top with his speed and ability to make quick turns. For a player of higher skill, Toad could easily shoot up this list into the top three.
Peach – The definition of inconsistency. Peach could either be a perennial cup winner or trailing by a lap while others have already reached the finish line. She seems to be a magnet for the heat-seeking red shells, making it hard for racers to keep up with other racers and make the podium. If given the chance, she can fly past you to make an incredible comeback when you least expect it. She can be a frustrating user, but if everything goes well, you have an automatic win.
Wario – The most boring character you could use. He thinks he’s a big man and can use his size to his advantage, but his small stature really hurts him. He’s not very intimidating and no one really fears him, but his sneaky speed for his size makes him a decent racer. He’s not particularly great at anything, but he’s not bad either. Don’t expect to win with Wario.
Luigi – If your go-to character is Luigi, how does last place feel? His carts are maybe the slowest of any character, which holds him back from being one of the better racers in the game. It is painful to use him with his short temper and constant whining whenever he gets hit with anything. At first glance, you would expect him to be better considering his quiet, hard-working demeanor off the track, but he is the inferior brother when it comes to racing which has created a serious rivalry within the family.
Daisy – Her performance is always underwhelming across the board. She makes her position on the track obvious with her constant screaming in her high-pitched voice and allows for competitors to block her and keep her behind them. Her special abilities don’t compare to her competition and she is always playing from behind trying to make a comeback. Racers love seeing her on the lineup card because they know her ceiling doesn’t compare to theirs.
Donkey Kong – You would think he would be dominant for the same reasons as Bowser, but he just isn’t like that. Donkey Kong might be the slowest character I’ve used in the game. It is painful trying to will him to make a comeback while he moves in slow motion. His only redeeming quality is his size but he doesn’t always use that to his advantage. Avoid Donkey Kong at all costs.

There are many factors that go into winning a Mario Kart race, but when you’re as good as me or use the right characters, you are guaranteed a win. Nothing is more important than life in Mario Kart, so choosing the right character is a life-and-death decision. Be sure to use this list next time you play, it could transform you from an average player to one of the greatest Mario Kart racers of all time.