Satire
Attention, everyone! Come one, come all to the cut-rate 2024 University of New Haven ONE SIZE FITS ALL graduation.
Please make your way to the 10×20 football field suitable to fit a million graduates! On your way in, don’t slip down the hill to the field and don’t forget to grab your popcorn buckets left over from last year’s graduation and complimentary, slightly used sleeping bags because we will be here for at least 20 hours.
This wouldn’t be a proper circus — I mean graduation — without a few surprises. Instead of the guest speaker who never fully reaches a point, our main attraction will be a monkey juggling cats. The monkey will reach the point of his act before the average guest speaker has even finished sharing the speaker’s credentials.
In addition, for this year’s graduation, we will have games for all ages. First up, take a spin on the Find a Parking Spot Whirl, where you will be strapped into a seat and forced to spend more than an hour getting whipped in circles looking for one parking spot. The object? Not missing your third class of the week.
Side effects of this ride are anxious sweating, crying, missing important events and fighting with others trying to get to the same spot. Have fun!
Of course, food will be provided in all forms, from fried Oreos to fried pickles. There will be multiple food trucks, but only one swipe will be allowed per person. C’mon, don’t be greedy.
My personal favorite attraction at this year’s graduation is the slightly raw chicken-eating contest. Come stuff your face and deal with the consequences later (perhaps a little more enhanced than those from the parking whirl).
And don’t forget our Account Hold Spin-the-Wheel. Take a spin and if the needle stops at “no hold,” then you’re good to go. If the spin stops on “account hold,” well, you know the drill. Better luck next year.
You know the beloved mechanical bull ride? Well, we don’t have a bull, but the Charger statue is perfect for riding. Bring the family and see who can last the longest. Of course, you will be signing a liability waiver before getting on because don’t forget, this is the University of New Haven.
When you finish your time on all of the rides and attractions, you will actually get your degree, provided you haven’t lost the toss on the account hold.
Graduation is perhaps the most important event at any university every year, so you would think a lot would be done to make sure graduates have the best experience possible.
But no.
It’d be great if the university could listen to the students and what they believe would make their college graduation ceremony special for them, but that would just make too much sense.
We can’t wait to see you and welcome to the circus of graduation. Hopefully you’re able to find a parking spot to be able to join us. The show must go on!
