Satire
As DEI programs in many states have been shut down, others aiming to preserve the protection of diverse members of academic and professional communities have taken to try and earn legal protection of their programs.
Samuel Williamson has stood at the forefront of this cause and rallied a number of DEI leaders across the country for the cause. He said, “We can’t all turn out like Texas, right?”
Last month, the class action case of Williamson v DOE took to the U.S. Supreme Court. In a very rare turn of events, the court ruled unanimously to ban DEI programs in schools and other professional settings and decided they “made things too complicated” and “wasted time with imaginary issues.”
At the hearing, it seemed that Associate Justice Clarence Thomas was actually the most vocal. He found that “the world would be much easier if everyone living in the United States was a regular straight white man.”
Across the country, protests took place outside of many major institutions, including NYU, Yale, Stanford and UCLA. Students and faculty refused to continue normal activity until their DEI programs were reinstituted. Signs outside of these buildings read messages with overarching themes of protecting minority safety and representation in higher education and promoting the collaboration of individuals from diverse backgrounds.
Harvard University administration issued a notice warning students who consider engaging in protest activity that they will be subject to disciplinary removal from the institution.
Following recent bans on affirmative action in higher education policies, many fragile white men have come forth expressing concern that the queer multicultural individuals who “stole their seats” (despite having much stronger statistics and work experiences) are now also going to “steal their voices” once on campus.
The night following the SCOTUS ruling, the sun set over streets lined with mud-stained picket signs as the beauty of America’s melting pot went to rest before another day of fighting for basic protective rights.
Nobody expected the DEI resolve to come forth the following morning, though such was the case, in a rather unconventional way.
The sun cast itself over the pale faces of the new America, a country now made up of a 100% demographic of straight white men.
Transphobes are reportedly in immense distress after Black women, Asian men and nonbinary folk of all colors transitioned, somehow medically overnight, into white heterosexual men.
The need for diversity, education and inclusion cannot possibly be necessary if there is no diversity to be educated on; no range of people to ensure the inclusion of.
Associate Justice Thomas has taken to X (formerly Twitter) to share his excitement of the fulfillment of his lifelong dream. “I look in the mirror and finally see a face that reflects how I’ve always felt on the inside.”
This happens to sound rather similar to the sentiments expressed by many transgender youth who have been granted access to lifesaving healthcare, which luckily for the state of Florida will no longer be a necessary point of future legal debate.
Governor Ron DeSantis (R-Fla.) can currently be found pouting in the corner of his office, reportedly heartbroken over the loss of power over helpless children whose lives he found joy in putting on the line to fit his rather narrow agenda, which he describes as “refined” and “with standards for the youth of our country.”
Newly arisen issues surround an overflow of privilege in the country, with every citizen now being able to claim residency in the protected class. Economists on Wall Street have expressed concerns of an incoming stock market crash, caused by equal wages creating an overwhelming cash flow never seen in the history of the U.S.
In more positive light, both sexual assault and hate crime statistics are at an all-time low and the fight for a national reinstitution of protection under Roe v. Wade has been put to rest now that the country has a grand total of zero uteruses living within its borders.
Of course, this comes at yet another cost, as the average IQ of a U.S. citizen has dropped an astonishing 28 points since the elimination of all brains not of the white male variation.
Updates will be provided accordingly, though experts are unsure how long these individuals will be able to last without women available for the fulfillment of their innate desires for sexual power and expression of their false sense of superiority.
