News Travel, Episode VI: The Dumb People Strike Back

Zack Rosen

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Hi’a, kiddies! It’s time for another episode of Zack Talks About Dumb People! Or, something like that…

Zack Rosen - Editor-In-Chief

Let’s begin this episode with some UK postal workers in London. The British postal service has suspended deliveries to one particular woman after repeated attacks and nasty injuries by her 19-year-old cat. The woman claims that her cat, “Tiger,” could not be behind the attacks. After all, it spends most of its day sleeping.

Head over to good ol’ Springfield, Vermont, where a Massachusetts man drove himself to a Vermont prison to serve a two-day sentence for driving under the influence of alcohol. The ironic part, however, is that he was under the influence when he drove to prison.

Vermont State Police say that staff at the Southern State Correctional Facility in Springfield noticed that a 42-year-old man was intoxicated when he arrived late Tuesday afternoon and that he had driven himself there.

The problem about driving under the influence is that it is dangerous, and it is deadly. For others, they prefer to die while someone else takes care of their travel arrangements.

As we head back to London, two women were arrested last Tuesday on suspicion of trying to smuggle a dead relative onto a flight bound for Germany.

According to the Associated Press, the 91-year-old deceased man was pushed in a wheelchair through Liverpool’s John Lennon airport wearing sunglasses before check-in staff became suspicious and he was prevented from boarding the plane.

He was believed to have been driven about 35 miles to the airport by taxi from Oldham, Greater Manchester, police added.

The women were arrested on suspicion of failing to give notification of a death and were released on bail.

“At 11 a.m. on Saturday 3 April 2010, police at Liverpool John Lennon airport were alerted to the death of a 91-year-old man in the terminal building,” police said in a statement.

“Two women aged 41 and 66 were arrested on suspicion of failing to give notification of death.”

The cause of death is not known, but some say he was afraid of planes.

Ok where to next? Ah, yes! Hastings, Michigan for a quick snack break!

There, a man allegedly took a bite into crime when he helped himself to a burrito and a bag of Funyuns at a gas station food store, and then told the clerk to call police because he had no money to pay.

Barry County Prosecutor Tom Evans said 28-year-old Michael Odell was charged with retail fraud. Odell, who told police he is homeless, is jailed on a $2,000 bond with a pretrial hearing set for May 4.

Evans said Odell ate the burrito and Funyuns on Saturday morning, and then had the cashier call police. The prosecutor said Odell told officers he had spent his money at a tavern in the city 35 miles west of Lansing.

Our last stop visits authorities in Arizona. There, police said a Surprise man has been arrested on suspicion of endangerment when the gun he was carrying discharged inside a Walmart in El Mirage. El Mirage police said the 30-year-old man entered the store around 1 a.m. Thursday and witnesses said he repeatedly fidgeted with a holstered semi-automatic pistol.

When he went to a counter to pay for a video game, witnesses said he removed the gun from the holster — causing the magazine to come loose and fall to the floor. They said he reinserted the magazine and continued manipulating the gun when it fired, sending one bullet into the ceiling.

It’s times like these that I invest in the opinions of the late, great George Carlin.

“Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!”

Well, hope you enjoyed the ride kiddies. A quick tour of the past couple weeks, true, but the highlights of the biggest idiots out there. Until next time!

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News Travel, Episode VI: The Dumb People Strike Back