Never listen to upperclassmen

Kaitlin Mahar

While freshmen may primarily benefit from these five key pieces of advice, anybody is welcome to use them as their own personal guidelines for navigating the treacherous jungle that is college, particularly the classroom.

Kaitlin - bw

1) Never drop a class. Dropping the class comes off as being weak, and your other professors, both present and future, will smell the pungent stench of fear emanating from your pores and prey on you in future classes.

2) Don’t do your homework. This is related to number one, as doing one’s homework also signifies that you are subservient to your professors. Assert your strength and dominance by refusing to partake in such a belittling act of tyranny. Bonus points if you tell your professor to do it for you.

3) Don’t GO to class. Unless you find it inherently interesting or you’re undergoing hallucinations and have no control over your actions, going to class is a big no-no. Why go to class when there are inherently more important things to do, like sleeping, eating, and watching Netflix (all of which are necessary for one’s physical health and overall survival… Ask your doctor if you don’t believe me)? Besides, not going to class completely eliminates the prospect of numbers 1 and 2 from even occurring, so it’s actually even better for you.

4) Talk to your professors. If you’re still truly concerned about your grade, email or set up an appointment with your professors, and then promptly whisper in their ears that you are in love with them and that this is not just any ordinary meeting – it’s your first date. Your declaration of love will send them into a manic frenzy (either positive or negative, depending on your level of attractiveness), and your A will be guaranteed!

5) Cheat. This one should speak for itself… Why do the work when you have other people (and Wikipedia) to do it for you? It’s simple, and far less of a waste of your time than actually working.

Just follow these tips and, before you know it, the first semester will be over, and you’ll have passed all of your classes with flying colors! Good luck!