As this week will be National Suicide Prevention, I decided to share the several times I considered ending my life so that anyone who reads won’t feel alone but rather seek help and a better route from their current situation.
I always felt like the odds were against me in the beginning. I was born and raised in a small town in the tri-state area. My father died when I was three leaving my mother being the breadwinner and caretaker of my brother, grandma, and I.
Although I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome around my early elementary school years, I never knew I had it until my middle school years. When you have Aspergers, you feel like an alien stuck on a foreign planet who’s trying to find their way back home. Having the disability made me feel like I’m always behind and need to do extra so I can catch up with peers socially and educationally.
Before junior high, I always knew, however, I was different from the other kids. It was one thing to be a minority, but to also be disabled and overweight at the time; it became a bigger burden.
Throughout my life, I’ve dealt with bullying and mistreatment from my peers, teachers, and most of the time nothing was done about it until my mother, who’s my biggest advocate, was forced to intervene.
The staff that I went to when I was being bullied and harassed, verbally or physically, whether at school or camp or a city youth group or even church didn’t do anything, but instead would turn it around on me. They blamed me for why I was being tormented or they would say it’ll blow over.
I was picked on for so much. One was definitely my weight; being fat-shamed to no end, which I think says a lot about America and how quick they are to judge.
I was bullied because of how I spoke or that I acted slow and oblivious at times. I was even picked on for my taste in music. I guess since I’m an African American male and my voice wasn’t stereotypical. And, for me being slow and oblivious was a component to my disability.
Even when staff members say I shouldn’t use my disability as an excuse for situations (social) I always think to myself, “Do they think I asked to be disabled, let alone overweight?”
The bullying happened from elementary school and carried on to middle school, high school, and a little of bit of my first attempt at college. I was called many things like Fat Albert, faggot, among other derogatory names that I only remember in my flashback nightmares. I still remember riding my bike around my neighborhood when I was seven to seeing an older kid call me a “fat f***ing piece of s**t.”
I’ve been beaten up in front of the school, choked until I couldn’t breathe and had toothpaste shoved in my mouth when I was sleeping in my cabin. During my time at camp and the YMCA, I was accused of being gay and teased for it. At the time, I was struggling with my seuxal orientation/identity and I wished I wasn’t being pressed about it.
I had gotten a letter saying I got accepted to a small college in Massachusetts. I had applied there on a whim as I didn’t get into most of my schools because my SAT scores, which led to going to a junior college at first. Although, the school didn’t offer as much as I hoped it would – which led to me subsequently transferring to here – it was a great restart for me.
Before starting at the school, I barely had friends in my hometown, but there I made a good group of best friends who live all over the country, got a job, and found the correct major for myself.
Now when I go through difficult time while living at school or being at home, I always find someone to talk to – usually a best friend or RA – I always know I can seek a school counselor. I’ve come to a point in my life where I’m still a work in progress – hello I’m a college student – and I don’t care what people think of me. It’s either you love me or hate me. I can never stay up all night worrying about people’s view of me, and neither should anyone else.
It’s funny how I can say it as I’ve always been a shy person and insecure person. Throughout it all I remain joyful, close with my Christian background, optimistic for the future with a bright smile on my face people compliment me for.
I’m content with my weight as most people don’t come at me for it; if I plan to reduce it’ll be on my terms. I remember last semester my friend asked me “how do you love yourself so much?” I didn’t give a clear answer, but I know there comes a point in your life where you go from self-hate to self-love. Because once you hit rock bottom the only way is up. It doesn’t matter what race you are, mental illness is not an issue to be looked over. It needs to looked at with someone professional. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 24/7 to call at 800-273-TALK. The university also offers counseling and psychological services for students. Never suffer in silence.