Satire

As the 2021-2022 school year comes to a close, university administration has taken time to reflect on the opportunities it offers to students. Families were recently notified of a new strategic plan to enhance university life, with a specific aim to get students out of their dorms and experience what college life has to offer.

One of the main changes outlined in the strategic plan, titled “Livin’ La Vita Pazza 2022,” changes the university’s satellite campus in Prato, Italy to the school’s main, permanent location.

“We believe this change will enable more student involvement on campus, and allow them to have stories no other college student across the U.S. will be able to attest to,” an announcement from the university said. “We hope that this change will further allow students to fully experience what the world has to offer.”

The strategic plan, which can be downloaded as a PDF document on the university’s home page, notes that the curriculum will remain largely unchanged. Students will be required to take two new university courses: UNIV 2204 and UNIV 2263. Currently, UNIV 2204 will be titled “The Shapes of Pasta-What You Need to Know” while UNIV 2263 explores “What Type of Boot is Italy?”

On the other hand, tuition will substantially increase in order to successfully move all professors across the ocean to Europe. Tuition rises can also be attributed to the university’s decision to move the beloved Charger horse statue to Prato, as well. Tuition will not cover costs of travel.

Much to the delight of the student body, Sodexo will also be making its way over to continue diligently serving students on campus. Sodexo’s local company headquarters in Paris, France, will allow students to continue to dine on their favorite dishes with ease in Europe. In support of the university’s ambitious move, Sodexo has agreed to serve only authentic Italian cuisine, such as chicken alfredo and iced caramel macchiatos, to all students for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Residential housing will become available on a first-come-first-served basis as the university adjusts to its new home base. The Office of Residential Life (ORL) has declined to detail how many housing units will be offered to students, but has kindly encouraged students to live in triples, quadruplets and quintuplets in order to “adjust in a tight-knit group setting” as students get settled in.

Due to the tightly-knit living situation, the university’s COVID Task Force has also made wearing a mask and social distancing mandatory in all Prato dorms.

Students studying as business majors are required to remain in Connecticut to study at the Orange Campus. If students are studying international business, they will be required to take a virtual culture class taught by professors located in Prato, Italy.

Students who wish to continue taking their courses in West Haven must contact the Study Abroad office in order to set up their schedule for the semester of their choice. Students studying abroad will have a dining plan that showcases the wealth of dining options in the region; the dining plan at the West Haven campus will give students access solely to the famous pizza parlors of New Haven, allowing students to enjoy these options each and every day.

The university has not yet responded to questions pertaining to when, and if, the School of Health Sciences’ beta fish, Swim Shady, will be making the journey across the Atlantic to Prato.