Satire

Recent news stories have brought to the forefront of sports coverage highlighting an emergent topic in the world of athletics that must be dealt with immediately. Competitive sports have met their match as new information has emerged to show that people hold unfair physical advantages over others, removing the equity required for a fair game, match or set.

In light of this recent information the NCAA, NAIA, NCJAA and every other letter in the alphabet have banded together to reorganize the division in sports. Gone is the antiquated separation of women and mens sports as this college competition equity taskforce has proposed the “Equal Footing” initiative, expected to be rolled out quickly within the year.

The initiative addresses all physical attributes of a person to sort them into a group that allows all competition to be fair. Recent studies have suggested that foot size is directly correlated to running speed, where the longer the foot, the faster the runner. This is additionally broken down by running form, as long distance runners benefit more from an elongated big toe as opposed to the elongated second toes that sprinters seek out. It would be inarguably unfair to put a small big toe runner against a large big toe runner.

They have paid special attention to swimming, as people evolved from the water, recognizing that some people are evolutionarily more fit to swim than others. In analyzing hand size, total height, wing span and lung capacity, the task force has ensured that no collegiate swimmer would be pitted against someone with bigger hands, a greater height, longer wingspan or better lung capacity than themselves.

Student athletes will also be asked to report all sexual activity, especially for penis and sperm owners, as lack of ejeculatory emmission has been linked to increased athletic performance. The official report says, “Incels pose a significant threat to the sanctity of college athletics, this is a factor that must be assessed.”

All collegiate level sports will be evaluated in this way. For team sports, divisions will be determined down to the position of the player.

University of New Haven die-hard athletics fan Isabelle Hajek said that “This system will truly take ‘personal bests’ to a whole new level.”

When asked what she meant by that statement, Hajek said, “Well, because no one athlete is physically the same and each one has some sort of biological advantage over another, they will now each be competing in their own category. It is very exciting as our university looks to go DI, we are looking at full rosters of national champions within their own level.”

As sports look forward to this change, granting participation trophies for all athletes, the university is discussing taking similar steps regarding academics.

The university recently announced that all academic scholarships will be based on MRI brain scans that applicants must now submit to the university as supplemental material to the Common App. Current students can choose to submit scans for revised academic rewards or remain grandfathered into the old and outdated merit based system.