SATIRE

Jonathan Lainell arrived at the University of New Haven with a dream in sight: to achieve a career in marketing. He inched closer to that reality through every menial core competency course, reaching the peaks of business and advertising classes at the university. The world, though seemingly vast and unapproachable, seemed well within grasp from the third floor of the Bergami Center, where the senior Lainell liked to work.

This hard work culminated into an internship with TikTok, where he hoped to earn a full-time position at the end of the summer. However, one fatal flaw ended everything for Lainell.

Five days after being accepted into the internship, Lainell’s LinkedIn remained barren and void of any post. There were no “I am excited to announce” posts, along with no spam of congratulatory messages from the hundreds of connections that Lainell never spoke a word to.

It was first brought to law enforcement’s attention when an anonymous caller tipped them off about the lack of a post. After two days of investigations from West Haven’s top team, they uncovered that Lainell had accepted a position and refused to post about it on LinkedIn, a federal crime.

A swat team was dispatched to Lainell’s residence, located on Homeside Ave. just off campus, where they found the 22-year-old studying for an upcoming final. According to authorities, the front door was breached and Lainell was arrested after resisting the officers.

“It’s devastating to all of us,” Linda Laver, a fellow senior marketing major, said. “To see someone work so hard and not announce it is unheard of. It is a crime deserving of the harshest penalty.”

Lainell’s court appearance is set to begin on April 16 in the West Haven Courthouse, where much national media attention is expected. Since the establishment of the Social Media Act in 2019, requiring every person to post about their position on LinkedIn, this is the first instance of someone allegedly violating the law.

The case aims to set a precedent that an individual’s professional career will not go unannounced. Every person on the LinkedIn platform will be notified the moment a job is accepted, as it would be illegitimate otherwise.

“We are happy to take a dangerous criminal like Lainell off the street,” an official statement from the West Haven Police Department said. “Residents of West Haven and students at the university can rest easy tonight knowing that they will still see job acceptance posts on LinkedIn.”