SATIRE

There is a widespread issue at the University of New Haven. It may not be the parking problems like you would expect, or even being served questionable food at times. The development and multiplication of non-player characters (NPCs) have continued to haunt us as they continue to get more advanced and as the more robotic this school becomes.

If you have trouble figuring out what an NPC is, just look for someone who looks like they are living a scripted life and are being controlled by something outside of their automated body. Chances are that if you think you see one, you are probably right. There are more NPCs on this campus than you would think and you need to do your part to stop them from multiplying even further.

“As a fellow campus NPC, I think it is amazing to see all these not-real people on campus enjoying Kaplan’s college simulation,” said Jack Celebrano, a sophomore forensic science major. They think they are doing nothing wrong by invading our space and we need to take it back from them before it is too late. They have taken over every part of our daily lives and have tried to infect us with their robotic tendencies and movements.

They’re simply everywhere. No matter where you go on campus, you are certain to encounter at least one NPC. The worst part isn’t just the fact that they’re everywhere, it’s simply that they have no regard for us humans and they carry on in their scripted ways.

“The worst encounter I had with an NPC was in the doors between the entrance of Bartels and Jazzman’s,” said Declan Sullivan, a sophomore national security major. “As I entered through the doorway, this guy walked in front of me and decided to cut me off. He did not even acknowledge me as he continued to walk away faster.”

This is not just an issue that we are seeing at this school, however, as their ability to multiply and attempt to take over the world is something that shouldn’t go unnoticed. Their ability to replace humans in society and carry on in a way where no one suspects them makes them incredibly dangerous and ruins everything we have built.

Brainwashing is an NPC’s favorite activity and they level up in their kingdom by trapping people within the matrix. As they level up, they continue to look more like humans and find more ways to take our home from us. If you ever get trapped in a conversation with an NPC, take a second to process what was said (something they can’t do) and overload them with words that aren’t in their database of scripted sayings.

If you need to talk to a fellow human about what you can do to stop the NPCs, first make sure that they’re actually a real person. Some NPCs are more evolved than others and you may not realize that they have taken some of your friends, so be careful when you conspire with someone. These fake humans are conquering us and I do not like it. Please join me in taking them down.

Some might argue that they are good for society because they are simple creatures and they magnify the redeeming qualities of humanity, but they are simply taking up too much space and must be stopped. Any contributions are appreciated as we look to take our planet back from the forces of robotic evil.