SATIRE

The university is constantly seeking to create a safe space for new niches of students who can’t seem to find their place in any area of study that will actually secure them a job after graduation, with the most recent notable addition being that of a degree in esports. However, New Haven was only just getting started, and in a recent email to the community, the following new programs were announced to begin next fall.

Inspired by a university out in Minnesota, the University of New Haven has decided to add a Bicycle Design major to the Tagliatela College of Engineering. Despite the horrendous lack of proper bike lanes observable in the Greater New Haven area, the university seeks to enable students to design sleek new rides for cyclists to take into the center of oncoming traffic.

Culinary Arts is a new addition to the College of Arts and Sciences. Dining halls are under-staffed and current staff are overworked, so the clean-cut solution here is to give students hands-on experience working in one of the finest local culinary establishments by making them do all of the work for Sodexo. This will count as an experiential education-based major, and students will not be paid for their work.

Urban planning will be primarily led by the parking compliance and facilities staff, teaching students how to waste as much space as possible.

Mortuary Science will be a new concentration of our renowned Forensics program, and will hold partnerships with the oddly high number of cemeteries within a close radius of the university.

Given that this university is unnervingly queer (why is everyone gay?) Sexuality Studies are a necessary addition to the curriculum.

Turfgrass Studies is unfortunately a very real major that would house loads of hands-on experience for U. New Haven students. With the rate at which random quads keep sprouting up across campus, we’re sure the next one will be designed by a student team. Hopefully the blueprints are better than the steps leading up to the library. (Seriously, who let anyone build those?)

There is a perfect opportunity for Equine Studies to take shape at the university, thanks to the new introduction of a live Charlie on campus. Saddle up and learn the ropes for your new favorite means of travel. Parking spaces? Horses don’t need those. Slow shuttle system? Horses can gallop faster than the speed limit, and it’s [probably] legal.

Disclosure: all of the majors discussed in this list are entirely real, though arguable, there is no reason they should exist. Students would be better off exercising their beige personalities with a degree in business management.