SATIRE
The first annual Hunger Games will be taking place instead of finals week starting on May 1. It will go on for as long as it takes until there are two victors. Graduation will be postponed if necessary.
There will be two tributes from each major. The majors represented in the Games are criminal justice, fire science, nutrition science, communication, business, forensic science, dental hygiene, marine biology, English, finance, environmental science and engineering. Graphic design will not be included because Adobe Photoshop will not be available during the games since those students are usually not sure what other skills they possess.
The arena will include the main campus and North campus. The Games will start with a singing of the university fight song. Students who are not participating and faculty members will be watching from Orange campus. Each tribute will be placed around the Maxcy Quad besides English, finance and business because there is no room for them, and instead will be placed in the Bixler-Gerber Quad.
Most people are predicting that criminal justice will win because they have the most support and biggest fan base. Although, knowing laws and understanding how they work is not going to be of much help.
Forensic science and criminal justice will likely team up together, but they will be too busy investigating who killed who and why, instead of actually killing people.
Nutrition science could solely keep themselves alive by knowing what food to eat and how much of it they need. They may even resort to cannibalism, which is where dental hygiene comes in handy by keeping their teeth and mouths healthy.
Business and finance are all talk and could never get their hands dirty; both tributes will be out by the third night. Both are too cocky and will get killed by accidentally moving before the countdown gets to zero.
Communication will team up with English, but the English tributes are too soft and drag communication down. The communication tributes are the clear underdogs. No one will expect their win, but with Susan Campbell as their coach they will be on a clear path to success.
Marine biology’s skill set won’t be used since there is no water on campus. Fire science will not have any assets if there are no resources to make a fire with since they only know how to do that.
Environmental science and engineering are looking promising since they are the most well-rounded majors. They are just lacking basic grit and motivation.
Creator of the Games, Sheahon Zenger, said “I am excited to introduce the Hunger Games to the University, and I am eager to see how it plays out this year.” The reaping will take place on April 10.
“Happy Hunger Games and may the odds be ever in your favor,” said Zenger.