SATIRE
Last year, the CVS across from the Atwood apartment complex closed down without warning or explanation. This has left first-year students and upperclassmen who do not have cars without access to a pharmacy within walking distance. As a result, students have begun struggling to get their hands on their prescriptions.

This has yielded severe repercussions for the student population.

Studies find that 40% of college students take the pill, and this does not account for students who may be using other forms of birth control. These numbers are stark, and now without a pharmacy within walking distance of the university, New Haven has seen a dramatic rise in pregnancies within the undergraduate population, primarily in the class of 2026.

As a result, Health Services, located in Sheffield Hall, has had to step in. In a recent announcement to the university, the office is now offering free abortions for any student who comes in with a positive pregnancy test.

Pregnancy tests are now available for purchase at the C-Store for a bargain price of $77 per two-pack. This is much cheaper than the cost of condoms, which go at a current rate of $90 per pack of five. Inflation is real, and the capital is located under Sheffield Hall at the University of New Haven.

Abortions can be scheduled through Health Services’ new clinical branch.

There have also been concerns from Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) following students not being able to obtain their mental health prescriptions. CAPS historically has an average six-month waitlist for appointments, however to compensate for the rise in unmedicated students, their staff is now taking appointments around-the-clock.

Health Services has responded to this by offering free lobotomies to anyone given a referral by CAPS.

These health professionals are accredited for having about the same level of expertise as the Sodexo staff do in the realm of culinary, so rest assured that your thoughts will be as fresh as the produce on your plate after this procedure.

Many asked whether or not Health Services could have simply opened up a pharmacy behind their doors. In response the office voiced that they felt as if storing such high quantities of prescriptions in one place would make the campus a target for yet another armed robbery this year.