In a poor attempt of revenge for beating them in every head-to-head matchup, Southern Connecticut State University (SCSU) staged a heist of a beloved member of the University of New Haven community. Jealousy of our school brought them to the only way they can ever think to beat us, by stealing an inanimate object that shows our superiority.

Our favorite horse, Charlie the Charger, has been brought to the evil side of New Haven as SCSU fielded together a group of athletes who have never experienced the joy of winning an Elm City rivalry game to take Charlie. These pranksters thought it would be funny to replace him with a Trojan horse, which makes as little sense as SCSU winning a football game against us. Maybe they should have left nothing there to show us what it’s like to have an empty part of campus, like their trophy case.

Investigations have started as the school and our police department are looking for where they took our precious Charlie and what they plan to do with him. Could it be possible they are starting a shrine dedicated to us to remember who owns them every year?

Maybe they left a Trojan horse there to scare us, making for the only time ever that anyone on this campus would be scared of them. But their attempt was unsuccessful, as we have begun the process of getting a newer and better Charlie.

The new statue will be made entirely of gold for future generations to marvel at, as they wonder how we got such a perfect statue right in the middle of campus. We couldn’t have done it without the help of our bitter rival, who once again came up short trying to beat us. It is always appreciated that they keep finding ways to make us out to be the superior school in the city.

Stealing Charlie has not only made our campus look better, but it has also brought everyone on campus closer together. Once we get his better-looking brother, students will finally have the opportunity to take a picture sitting on top of the statue and not get in trouble for it. The day we have all been waiting for is finally here as we may see alumni come back as well to finally have a chance to do something every student has thought about doing.

The estimated time of arrival for the new Charlie is to be determined. So until then, we will keep their horrible prank attempt as the campus mascot. Don’t worry, it has been checked to see if there are any SCSU athletes or students inside, but there was no one in there. This was much to the surprise of first responders, who expected at least a few people inside who never wanted to set foot on that campus again.

No one is quite sure as to how they got Charlie in the first place, but it goes to show that they couldn’t even execute the plan fully, because of the fact that no one was hiding in the statue. They couldn’t even get that right.

We must thank them for their services, however, as they boost our campus once again in addition to boosting our records in every sport. It is always appreciated and we are always happy to do business with them. Who wants an owl as a mascot anyways?