Satire

In recent weeks, long-awaited results from a year-long case study have unveiled a correlation between the consumption of food produced by the company Sodexo, and rapid organ failure in individuals aged 18-45.

A pool of over 11,000 current University of New Haven students and recent graduates (classes of 2018-2026) participated in a series of tests alongside approximately 15,000 inmates from prisons across the New England area who consumed Sodexo products for a minimum of 10 meals a week.

Results displayed trends in intestine, liver and heart failure, primarily, caused largely in part by high levels of sodium detected in the food. The study also concluded that the consumption of meats not approved by the FDA have, in a rare set of cases, lead to early-onset dementia. Blood samples revealed that both the student and prisoner data sets had consumed meat sourced from skunk, possum, pigeon, badger and in some cases even human in the last 12 months.

Experts are even saying that the low retention rates at this university in particular can be partly attributed to the hospitalization of many first-year students, whose bodies were unable to adjust quickly enough to the unsafe diet provided to them upon arrival.

In a series of correlated events, 19 students in September were reported having symptoms of what was presumably food poisoning, with one even saying that they “saw God standing in my doorway” that night. All 19 students had consumed the same “chicken nuggets” from the grill station at Marketplace. Upon lab analysis, it was found that these tenders were actually made from the innumerable dead birds scattered across campus around the dining hall throughout the first half of the current semester. Sodexo workers alluded to budgetary concerns which left them no choice but to limit the ingredients purchased from their wholesaler.

One student, who will remain unnamed by request of the family, was carried out on a gurney after consuming the same dish. They are currently in critical condition, and have just been informed that they will likely never be able to walk again on account of the virulent infection which has been coursing through their veins.

There have also been rumors of the students gaining superhuman strength, and an appetite for human flesh.

In a more positive light, crime rates in the New England area have decreased by 58% following civilians’ fear of being placed on a strict Sodexo diet in prison.

On Sunday, Dec. 4, the university will gather in a vigil hosted by USGA to honor the lives lost at the hands of Sodexo. Candles will line the Maxcy quad with the names of each of the 134 students who fell victim to organ failure since 2018.