Dear Melanie,

I am currently dating a guy that I like a lot, but I’m still texting my ex-boyfriend a lot too. Is this okay? Should I tell my current boyfriend that this is going on or am I thinking too far into the situation?

First of all, I think that this really depends on where you’re at emotionally with your ex and your current relationship. If you are at a point in your relationship with your ex where things are strictly platonic, than I have to say that it’s not necessarily the worst thing. I do have to say however, that I am a firm believer in ex’s not being able to stay friends for the pure reason that there was too much between them to ever be forgotten.

The level of seriousness in a relationship of course varies and if your ex and you were never really that serious before you realized that it was better to just be friends, than I think you’re in a perfect place with things. If your ex and you were very serious though, and even lived together or something, then I would say one of you, if not both of you, still have feelings that need to be worked out, resolved, or forced to be forgotten (as hard as that may sound).

Regardless of the relationship between you and your ex I would say the only right thing to do is make sure that your current boyfriend knows what is going on. The absolute worst thing would be for him to see you talking to your ex and assume the worst because it seems like it was kept a secret.

I do not think this is something you’re overthinking and I think the worst thing to do is to play nonchalant about the situation, because the less you care, the more confusing things could become for all parties involved. Make sure your ex knows that you are strictly talking as friends and be sure to set “friend-like” boundaries. If you are out to dinner with your current boyfriend, do not text your ex back or answer a phone call, and if you feel like you need to, then maybe you should reevaluate your current relationship and make sure you’re with the right person.

It is always better to admit you’re at a place you don’t want to be at or with someone you don’t want to be with, then to pretend you’re happy and be tempted in a moment of rage or excitement, to make a mistake that could hurt someone you care about.

Really evaluate your current situation and make sure you’re at a point where you’re ex means less to you than your current relationship. If you’re even a little unsure then the best thing to do is to make everyone in the situation aware of your feelings and be completely honest. Most people would rather hear the truth than be hurt by it later.