Dear Melanie,

I’m in love with this person. They’ve been on my mind for the better half of close to a year now. We are currently not together but we still see each other often. The fire is still there and that feeling is mutual. However, I just feel like I need my space. My time, for me. On one hand, I don’t want commitment, but on the other, I want this person to continue to be the one I make such great memories with. I keep going back and forth in my head. What should I do Melanie?

Dear Anonymous,

Love is a tricky thing. Normally it seems that when it happens for real you never see it coming. When it hits you though, everything changes. You start to wonder how you went so long without this person in your life. You love everything about them, even their flaws; in fact their flaws make them more appealing to you. I heard once that loving someone’s imperfections makes the difference between love and lust.

When love is real, it’s an emotion that consumes you and sometimes that can be really scary. You feel like you can’t live without that person, and then you feel like you should be able to at this age. You know you are still young, but at the same time, loving someone this selflessly makes you feel wiser beyond your years. If you feel any of the things I just said, then I’m afraid to say that you are definitely in love, but you’re also very confused, and hopefully what I have to say can help with that.

I am someone who believes in true love. You might call me a hopeless romantic, but I don’t think it’s so hopeless if you can find someone, somewhere out there, who makes you feel like anything is possible, and like every romantic movie you’ve ever seen, it isn’t that farfetched. I believe there is someone out there for everyone and if you feel in any way that you could have found that person, which is what I get by the first line of your question, then you shouldn’t let go because of a need for space. You didn’t start out your question to me with, “I am so confused…” or, “I don’t want to have a relationship, but….” You said, “I’m in love with this person.” Love is a strong term, and the fact that you started out by saying that says to me that was the first thing on your mind when you sat down to write to me.

From your question, I can’t tell if you have already been dating this person, or if they are just an infatuation you have, but when you say that they have been on your mind for the better half of close to a year (key word: better), I feel that you probably were in a relationship for some time. The fact that you still see each other must mean that you have come to a mutual understanding, and if that’s the case then at least you are working at something.

It sounds to me like you are letting fear get the best of you. I mean, you are a junior in college and this is your time to be on your own and find yourself. This is your time to party, and have crazy nights you’ll never remember. At the same time however, if you feel like you know who you are, and if you feel that your identity has never been based on other people, and you just would like a less demanding relationship, then I feel like that is something that can easily be fixed.

Any relationship is commitment. You are committed to your brother if he calls you and has a problem that he needs help with, you are committed to your roommates to pay rent on time, or keep your room clean, and you are committed to your parents to succeed in school and to make them proud. I understand however, that a romantic commitment can be a little different because a lot more feelings are involved, but I don’t know if that is necessarily a bad thing. A romantic commitment, a relationship with someone you love, is so much more rewarding than demanding; always having that person on your side, those movie nights, or long drives on the weekend, and having that person to call at 3 a.m. if you can’t sleep, or to be sleeping next to.

You have to think about the other person as well. If you are going back and forth in your head, they must be going back and forth in their heart. I am not saying there’s some underlying ultimatum here, and obviously the other person loves you if they are still sticking around. This may sound harsh, but if you don’t think that you are the one for them, you owe it to them to step aside and let someone who wants to be with them come into the picture. If it drives you crazy to think about that happening, then you’re much more attached then you’re letting yourself feel.

Everyone in this world needs “me” time. It is only natural that you’re going to have some nights where you want to be alone and just relax, but if during those alone times you are thinking about the other person, or wondering what they’re doing, then you don’t want to be single, you just want to be balanced. If your love is easy to approach, then tell them how you feel; don’t be afraid to open up. Tell them that you love them, tell them that thinking about them with someone else drives you nuts, tell them that they are all you think about, or better yet, tell yourself. Once you can really sit down and make yourself realize these things, it won’t seem so confusing.

The bottom line here is communication. Once that barrier is broken, everything will be so much easier, guaranteed. Sometimes you don’t want to communicate the way you feel because it is easier to keep your emotions under wraps, but this also leads to a lot of feelings bottled up, and when you finally let them out, it could be too late for any situation, especially something like this.

Sooner or later, someone is going to give up on the love you share when it’s only reciprocated in small amounts and doesn’t compare to what you’ve had before, but if you believe that the memories you can make with this person will be indescribable, or that you can’t go a day without talking to them, or seeing their smile, then don’t turn your back on what seems to be real love because of fear. Fear can ruin a lot of amazing opportunities in life, but the best part about when fear tries to come in between love, there is someone else fighting it with you.