Satire

Soon-to-be graduates have taken advantage of their escape from the supposed “best-time of their lives” to confirm the validity of the University of New Haven simulation, where students question what is reality.

Oxford student Nick Bostrom constructed an analytical paper on the likelihood that humans are living within a simulation on Earth. The concept explains that humans on earth are living in a controlled computer simulation, in this fabricated society. Here at the university, we are not excluded from this simulation as we have reported many cracks and glitches within the walls.

With the stress and anguish of a normal college student’s life, students may overlook the hidden messages found on our own campus. Have those light poles in the Bixler/Gerber Quad always been there? Does Kaplan even have a Tesla? Is it Berenstein Bears or Berenstain Bears? Does Pikachu really have a dark spot on his tail? At this point, we are all unsure.

What we are sure of is that many students have reported being a part of the lack of parking spot cycle. Rushing to find a spot for class, having your blinker blinking with anticipation just for the spot you wanted to already be magically taken by car that was not there previously. Perhaps a smaller car. Possibly a MINI Cooper. But then you wonder, “Have I ever even witnessed someone driving a MINI Cooper on this campus?”

The commuter students begin their day fighting for a spot in the library lot with the accompanying sounds of winged rats squacking high above. The seagulls, with cameras for eyes, are the real go-getters of New Haven as they call the shots, sending their signals to the radio tower on top of Bartels––a radio tower that anonymous members of the senior class claim “just appeared” one day. And yet, 88.7 WNHU has broadcasted since 1973.

This is how university police know which cars to place incessant parking tickets that only seem to appear on a student’s bad day. Although, physically, there is no proof of this surveillance in the parking portal. And yet, we are all still being played as a glitchy character icon in their giant computer game. What do those $20 parking fines truly mean when looking at the big picture of over $40 thousand per year in tuition?

Glitches in the simulation have been discovered wildly across the globe, many describing them as “coincidences” or more popularly simulation-believers calling them conspiracies. Some famous conspiracies include the Earth being flat and Walt Disney’s body being frozen in a freezer. People popularly experience “oh wait” moments thinking that one thing is supposed to be something else, which is known as The Mandela Effect. Like Pikachu and the Berenstain Bears, The Mandela Effect stemmed from many people believing Nelson Mendella died in the 1980s when in reality he died in 2013.

The campus is littered with little nuisances––suspected laxatives in the dining hall food, the great flood of the Bixler-Gerber quad, the ruthless wind tunnel––all in the attempt to create unity amongst students and sell the simulation as relatable. Dare we say that the UNewHavenMemes and UNewHavenBarstool Instagram accounts facilitate such unity? Whose head do we have hidden in the freezer of FoD?

While it is easy to assume these simulation rumors are chalked up to sleep deprivation and delirium, similar theories date back to 2003. Since Bostrom’s piece, the Scientific American said published there is a 50/50 probability this is true.

University of New Haven students say that there is a 110/0 probability that the simulation is real. The university proves exceptional education and research experience, as students who have not yet earned a cursory undergraduate degree have witnessed this unexplained phenomenon.

In reaching out to literally every single one of the 598 December graduates, we hoped to get to the bottom of these conspiracies. Maybe it was the fear of losing their almost-earned degrees, because no one was brave enough to speak up. Not one person.

Sources have tipped off the Charger Bulletin that the “mascot” Charlie the Charger––who inside persons have claimed secretly goes by the name Lightning-Quick Charlie––is the true puppeteer, and the new horse statue strategically placed outside of the admissions building provides it with a strong, powerful aura.