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The Worst of ’09: Play With Caution

timothyfasano

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Hello once again my gaming fans, it is I, your Charger Bulletin Gaming Guru, back from the nine hells to relinquish my wisdom upon thee. Now, typically I like to promote the games I think will best suit my similars out there, but I’ve had a change of heart. So watch out for these, oh champions of gaming! For these games may put you in a sadness coma that you will never come out of!!!!

1.Stoked (Xbox 360): Now, we all know I’m not a fan of sports…”games.” If you want to play a sport, go OUTSIDE! Living vicariously through your console is just sad. Not to say that the games haven’t done well. I KNOW that Madden is a great seller…I just don’t care. Basically, this seems to be the worst of the worst here folks. Straight from GameStop: “the open-world snowboarding game that lets you choose where, when and in what conditions you want to ride as you work your way up the ranks.” Oh My God! Stop the presses! Its GTA meets Snowboarding!!!!!!!! Someone, please, waste the boarder.

2.Peggle: Dual Shot (Nintendo DS): Peggle is one of those fun puzzle games on psychedelic game board were you have to bust, that’s an official game term folks, pegs with balls. I’m presuming these are imitation steel balls, but if you play this game…might as well be another pair. Catching my drift? Then you can do all the ball-bouncing fun you can wrap your hands around!

3.Grey’s Anatomy: The Video Game (PC, Wii, DS): They finally did it! A Grey’s Anatomy game you can play for the 167 hours the show isn’t on the TV. In this game, which was written by the show’s producers and writers so you know it is authentic, a crisis strikes the hospital! You, our valiant player, play various actual people from the show to influence relationships with the cast and save the day! What’s the crisis you ask? The description didn’t say, but I am sure they came up with something catastrophic for our over-dramatic doctoring team (maybe a severe lack of hair gel? OH NO!) Could someone please gauge my eyes out before I have to read more of this crap?

4.Dream Day Wedding Destinations (Nintendo DS): It is one of the most successful online games, with over 50 million downloads! So you guessed it, let’s milk the cow dry! There really isn’t much to say about this game, it really speaks for itself. In it, you create an imaginary dream wedding using the extremely popular Hidden Object system of game-play. You know what the hidden object is? Everything! Especially you’re fake husband.

5.OMG! High School Triple Pack (PC): There is no real word on what this game is about, but I think the name says it all. It ships on the Mar. 17…so make sure to get your earplugs when all the teenie-boppers start their scurry to the mall for this totally rad game. (Kill me…please.)
6.Hannah Montana: The Movie Game (PC, PS3, 360, DS): …

REALLY?!!?!?! I honestly don’t know why I put myself through this, because I want to slap Bill Gates for letting this on his platform. What the living hell could you be doing? Switching your clothes real quick to make sure no one notices you’re some loser in high school? I…just…WHY?

7.inFamous (PS3): The first open world adventure game for the PS3, or so they say, you play the only person to survive a massive five-block explosion in Empire City. This explosion gives you the ability to develop superpowers. The only question is…what are you going to do with them? You know what this sounds like…Force Unleashed. Play for a while, gain more abilities, and choose between good and evil…hmm. Been done. Good try PS3…you’re still inferior.

8.Brütal Legend (PS3, 360): Real quote: “visceral action combat with open-world freedom set in a universe somewhere between Lord of the Rings and Spinal Tap. It’s a fresh take on the action/driving genre, which is full of imitation cover bands.” I’m sorry, what? So you’re an epic cover band, rocking out, driving around town, getting babes, and kicking ass…literally! Awesome! No…not awesome. This is the abortion GTA IV and Guitar Hero should have had. I know, it looks awesome because of the rock band double dot over the u, but I’m sure you’ll get over it when you blow 70 bucks on the game.

9.50 Cent: Blood on the Sand (360, PS3): I don’t know who let 50 Cent create another worthless video game…but they are a glutton for punishment. This time, accompany fitty and his crew to the sands of the Middle East, where he fights terrorists. *Stifles a giggle, then bursts out laughing.* Seriously? haHA! This is the worst of the worst folks. Don’t forget the co-op features and…BWAhahahahaha! Ok, ok…I can’t do this.

There we are folks: the nine worst games out there this year. But this is a small taste of the horrors to grace us this year. Don’t be discouraged, however. Some great titles are out or on their way! Stay tuned for more Gaming Guru articles in the future, I know I can’t wait to play these games. NO, not these games…the good ones.

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The Worst of ’09: Play With Caution