Suggestions Regarding the Deportation of Certain Individuals

Kaitlin Mahar

As Based On Donald Trump’s Current Stance on  Illegal Immigration

1. Nicole Arbor

There are funny women, and then there’s Nicole Arbor, the fat-shaming feminazi that makes pretty much every demographic look bad in some way.

Oh, what? She’s from Canada? Even better. Let’s invade Canada while we’re at it (it was bound to happen eventually) and deport her into the solar system.

2. Sarah Palin

Oh, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Targeting adults is fine, but going after an innocent high school freshman, who just so happens to be Muslim, by saying his homemade clock was obviously a bomb? Looks like you won’t just be seeing Russia from your house anymore – do svidaniya.

3. Fox News

All of it. Don’t care. Every single one of them. Especially you, Shepherd Smith. Goodbye.

4. Every single person voted off Dancing With the Stars

I don’t even watch Dancing with the Stars (though I do watch the Gary Busey highlights because, let’s face it, everything that comes out of that ridiculously confused man’s mouth is gold), but imagine how fun it would be to watch celebrities not only dance for a gold trophy, but also for their citizenship.

5. That professor that screwed me over sophomore year

I don’t think he even teaches here anymore, but he knows who he is.

6. Whoever wrote Marley and Me

What do you MEAN the dog dies at the end?

7. Donald Trump

I mean, come on. Who wasn’t expecting him to be on the list?

8. The CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch

Oh hey, you’re a misogynist? No way, so are Donald Trump AND his hair! You guys can all be roommates!

9. Kim Davis

After her deportation, Davis can create her own country and issue all the marriage licenses she wants to her many cats, as long as none of them are seeking same-sex meow-age licenses.

10. Myself

The cat joke was bad, I know. I’m sorry.