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OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

Zack Rosen

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It’s true you know. We are going to die. For some reason, however, you damn crazies out there think it’s going to happen for all of us at the same time: December 21, 2012 at 11:11pm.

Anticipated for thousands of years, the 2010 “end of the world” phenomenon, proposed by the Mayan calendar, comprises a range of beliefs which claim “the cataclysmic or transformative events will occur in the year 2012.” Based primarily on what is said to be the end-date of the Mayan Long Count calendar (a non-repeating calendar used by several pre-Columbian Mesoamerican cultures such as the Maya), the Mayan calendar is presented as lasting 5,125 years – ending in 2012. Many support this theory, stating that the scenarios are comprised from a mixture of “archaeoastronomical speculation, alternative interpretations of mythology, numerological constructions, and alleged prophecies from extraterrestrial beings.”

If you ask me, they’re just throwing out big freakin’ words so you just fold and agree.

Since the beginning of the year multiple books have been written ($$), multiple documentaries produced ($$), and a feature film starring John Cusack, Danny Glover, Thandie Newton, and Liam James ($$). Hmm. Seems like the Mayans cared less about the end of the world, and more about promoting the U.S. economy. How nice of them!!!! In a time of such bad economic problems, they sure are kind to all of us!

So what exactly will happen on that horrid day? Journalist Lawrence Joseph forecasts widespread catastrophe; spiritual healer (cause you KNOW he’s reliable) Andrew Smith predicts a restoration of a “true balance between Divine Feminine and Masculine.” And author Daniel Pinchbeck anticipates a “change in the nature of consciousness,” assisted by indigenous insights and psychedelic drug use.

Yeah, let’s DEFINITELY listen to LSD-enthusiasts such as Pinchbeck, who claims that substances such as LSD, Psilocybin mushrooms and peyote should be used to enrich people’s intellectual, psychological, and spiritual beliefs.
Ah. I get it now. Let’s all do shrooms and LSD and the world will end. Now it makes sense!

Do any of you remember January 1, 2000? The first thing I did after counting down from 10 and screaming “Happy New Year” was I ran over to my computer and turned it on. And you know what? It turned on. So much for that Y2K nonsense. Don’t you feel shame for the human race, just a little bit, after that dumb overreaction?

Senior religion editor at Publishers Weekly Lynn Garrett says publishers seem to be courting readers who believe humanity is creating its own ecological disaster and desperately needs ancient indigenous wisdom.

“For the ancient Maya, it was a huge celebration to make it to the end of a whole cycle,” says Sandra Noble, executive director of the Foundation for the Advancement of Mesoamerican Studies in Crystal River, Fla.

No crap! If I were Mayan, I’d be laughing my ass off and celebrating at 11:11pm on Dec. 21, 2012 when everyone goes crazy and … guess what … NOTHING HAPPENS.

Part of the 2012 mystique stems from outer space. During the winter solstice in 2012, the sun will be aligned with the center of the Milky Way for the first time in about 26,000 years. Interesting!

According to journalist Lawrence Joseph, this means that “whatever energy typically streams to Earth from the center of the Milky Way will indeed be disrupted on 12/21/12 at 11:11 p.m. Universal Time.” But scholars doubt the ancient Maya extrapolated great meaning from anticipating the alignment — if they were even aware of what the configuration would be.
But let’s not doubt them! Nu-uh, they know what they’re talking about!

After all, the Mayans are an advanced freakin’ culture.

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OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE