Keep your hands to yourself

Kaitlin Mahar

Kaitlin - bw

You know who you are, and if you are somehow unaware that grabbing somebody’s ass, or touching them anywhere, for that matter, without their permission is acceptable, then you better have a seat because we’re about to have a little chat that your parents clearly never had with you. And, quite frankly, you made it abundantly clear that they should have.

In the words of the late, great Dr. Seuss: “You cannot touch me on a boat, or else I’ll punch you in the throat. You cannot touch me here or there, you cannot touch me anywhere. I don’t like where you put your hands. I do not like it, Sam I Am.” Or something like that.

The point is, the only time when it’s okay to touch somebody, whether it’s their ass or hair or face or any other body part, is when you have their permission. And you most certainly did not have my permission. I’m sure you have no problems with the “you can look but not touch” policies of museums and similar establishments, and the same thing goes for people, regardless of whether you know them, don’t know them, etc. Or, maybe, the whole problem here is that you are so socially inept that you’re unaware that not everything was put on this earth for you to put your grimy, boney hands on, in which case we have a much bigger issue at hand here (no pun intended), and I highly recommend that you seek some sort of help to deal with the mental deficiency that causes you to be so unaware of such boundaries. But, I am going to go out on a limb and assume that you, an individual who so actively asserts his intelligence, are in fact keenly aware of such restrictions in various establishments, so I am going to let you in on a little secret: if you can manage to restrain yourself in a place where it is advertised that you are not allowed to touch things without permission, then you should certainly be able to do so in the case of human beings. I know, what a novel idea!

My mistake was not calling you out on it, and I do regret that. I was so stunned by what you did that by the time I was able to vocalize my outrage and discomfort at the blatant disrespect and disregard for my rights to my body, you were gone. But trust me, that doesn’t mean you’re getting away with this or that it meant it was okay for you to behave like you believe yourself to be some sort of common zoo animal. Because the next time you or anybody else tries to pull a stunt like that on myself or anybody else, I won’t be so quiet, and I definitely won’t be as nice as I’m being right now. Think this isn’t nice? You haven’t seen anything yet.

But please, go ahead and try me. Make my day.