SATIRE

Yale Daily News (Yale University): Why do you have a column called Sex on the Weekend? Everyone knows Yale students don’t have sex.

The Spectrum (Sacred Heart): We are unsure if your paper alludes to the autism spectrum or if it is a reference to Spectrum, the TV provider. A Spectrum of what? Misinformation?

The Daily Orange (Syracuse): Oranges are not native to New York, and every time we hear “orange,” we think of the guy with big teeth from that horrifying children’s show.

The Purdue Exponent (Purdue): Exponent? Journalists don’t know how to do math.

The Daily Trojan (University of Southern California): As pleased as we are that you use Magnum condoms, this resembles a contraceptive ad.

The Daily Gamecock (University of South Carolina): Get. A. New. Mascot. We implore you. A rooster is not badass and that’s coming from a bunch of students who are represented by a blue and gold horse. This is horrible for marketing.

The Bachelor (Wabash College): “Real news meets reality television” is a sentence I never want to say, ever again. Similar to TLC, your paper reports news with the same legitimacy as “My 600lb Life” and “MILF Manor.”

The Harvard Crimson (Harvard University): Are you constantly on your period?

The Fairfield Mirror (Fairfield University): Your paper mirrors the blandness of students on your campus.

The Summit (Stonehill College): You have reached the summit of mediocrity. Somehow you manage to be the absolute worst, towering over us all in heinous design choices.