SATIRE

The University of New Haven recently announced a change in the beloved Charlie the Charger mascot with him becoming a real horse. While this Pinocchio-like story sounds far-out, the school believes it will make us more appealing to incoming students.

This plan is also designed to bring the university to the same level as neighboring Connecticut Schools such as Yale and the University of Connecticut who both have a live animal mascot. Yale has Handsome Dan the 19th and the University of Connecticut has Jonathan the 14th. Both schools have an animal mascot that can easily be brought around campus, but New Haven claims that “students will also be able to play fetch with the new Charlie.”

Tuition prices have been rapidly rising because of the new investment and home of the unnecessary new member of the charger nation. Charlie’s multi-million-dollar stable is set up on the first floor of the Peterson Performance Center at North Campus, hence why construction has been going on for so long.

The school has also spent a significant amount of money on a custom outfit for the real Charlie that resembles the Charlie mascot costume. Due to the cleanliness of horses, this outfit would have to be bought new every school year, causing tuition to rise even more.

The Undergraduate Student Government Association (USGA) has announced a new Recognized Student Organization (RSO) titled Charlie’s Clean-Up Crew, a group designed to follow Charlie around and clean up after him to keep the university spotless. Because of their involvement with Charlie, USGA has also granted Charlie’s Clean-Up Crew all of the yearly funding.

With this new mascot, especially one as expensive as a live horse, there comes several additional costs. Even less of our tuition will be put toward academic and professional development and making campus life better for the students;instead more money will be put toward raising Charlie and his family.

A live horse also means that there is no longer a need for support dogs to come to campus. Plus who wouldn’t want to take a ride on Charlie when they’re having a bad day? You might have to fight with just about every other student who needs the emotional support of Charlie as well as the sports teams who want him at their events. Other than that, Charlie is all yours.

Real Charlie is the best and only investment this school will be making for the next 100 years. Need more parking? Nope, you get Real Charlie instead. Keep your eye out for Real Charlie, coming soon to the University of New Haven!