Satire

It is our time. We’ve had women’s rights in the 1960s and for LGBTQ+ rights in the 70s and 2010s––but this isn’t enough. I feel underrepresented, erased, alienated. I look around and nobody looks like me. There aren’t any support groups; no one to turn to at this desolate university.

I deserve to feel included. I deserve rights, and so do others like me. It’s time to bimbofy the University of New Haven.

For far too long have bimbos been slut-shamed and called “stupid,” but no more––not at the University of New Haven, and certainly not at universities across the country. But let’s start local.

You may ask, “what is bimbofication?” Simple. We take anything typically smart and make it air-headed and hot. Think Elle Woods from “Legally Blonde.”

Who can be a bimbo? Anybody, if you set your heart––and boobs––to it.

As the sole spokesperson of “United Bimbos of the University of New Haven”––RSO pending––I have the right to say what needs to be changed. Refer to this short manifesto:

1. Charlie the Charger needs a Brazilian butt lift and a bikini. Free that poor bastard from his shackles of tattered, iron armor. Bring out the hot pink bikini and butt fillers, maybe even some false eyelashes, acrylics and gold hoop earrings. If other students like myself see a mascot that looks like us, we will feel seen, heard and represented.

2. Gay music in Bartels, only. I’m talking Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Doja Cat, Nicki Minaj––anybody who screams “gay rights!” Turn off that horrible country music and typical Top-40s nonsense. Music is an escape––but for bimbos, it beckons us to dance. While we’re at it, get rid of some of those tables and open space for a dance floor.

3. Change the school colors to hot pink and white, and partner with Juicy Couture. If we’re bimbofying the mascot, that horrid blue and gold has to go. Me? In blue? Over my dead body. I want a hot pink Juicy tracksuit, with the Chargers logo bedazzled on the back, and over the ass must read “Chargers,” of course. Blue makes me depressed, and our shade of “gold” looks more like baby vomit. But hot pink and white? Now, that’s hot.

4. Add an aesthetics program to the university curriculum. Similar to the dental hygiene program where students can get free teeth cleanings, adding an esthetics program would give our bimbos free manicures, pedicures, eyebrow waxings and threadings, eyelash extensions and more. There is nothing better than a fresh set of nails. Imagine how happy our bimbos––and other students, of course––would be.

5. Replace the Henry C. Lee Institute of Forensic Science with the Paris Hilton Institute for Bimbo Studies. Think of the possibilities of this major. I can see the classes now: “Intro to Bimbofication,” “History of the Playboy Mansion,” “Skinny Legend Studies,” “Breast Implants: How Big is Too Big,” “Advanced Pop Culture,” “No Thoughts: How to Use Your Hotness to Your Own Advantage” and “Scamming Men 1110.”

This is just a start. Please note that becoming a bimbo does not make you stupid. Rather, if anything, bimbos are some of the smartest women on the planet. We know how to work the system. We act dumb, and what do we get out of it? Free drinks, at least. But it’s all a façade. Who are the real idiots? The men who think we’re stupid.

We have taken “bimbo” from the misogynists, and we aren’t going back. We’re here, we’re queer and we deserve to be seen.

Now, get to my demands.