Social Media-Induced Heart Attacks We’re All Guilty of Having

Kaitlin Mahar

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We all are well aware of the privileges of social media: connecting with friends, keeping up with class work, creating and going to events, etc. However, as Voltaire (yes, Voltaire, not Uncle Ben – there goes another loss for Spider Man) once said, with “great power comes great responsibility,” and, anybody who has ever been a little too interested in a page where they don’t belong knows, the consequences can be mortifying.

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Accidentally Liking Someone’s Post from Weeks, Months, Years, etc. Ago
Don’t you dare deny it. We’ve all done it, and no matter how fast you may click that like or favorite button, there’s no bringing it back. Maybe, if you’re lucky, the person upon whom you’re testing your detective skills (which, in case you didn’t notice, clearly suck, by the way) won’t notice. But, more likely than not, they have noticed and will probably be avoiding you for the next three to six years.

Creeping on Somebody’s Social Media Page and Making the Mistake of Following/Friending Them
Everybody knows this one, and if you are actually capable of committing such a heinous social media-creeping faux pas, than you are one special kind of person. And not the good kind.

The difference between liking and friending, favoriting and following, etc. is that the latter is much, much worse. Not only will the person inevitably get your request, but it is also far more difficult for you to catch it. Therefore, you discover that your ability to conceal your identity as a psycho with little-to-no boundaries needs an overhaul. And, depending on your relationship, or lack thereof, with your victim (because at this point, I think it’s safe to call them a victim) you want to crawl into a hole and die. I won’t stop you. Be sure to give your family my condolences.

Revealing Your Creepy Ways to Your Victim
If you are not able to differentiate between what you have learned through your inherently snoopy ways, then just get off the computer, phone, tablet, EVERYTHING. And don’t think the word “snoopy” makes you synonymous with a cute, innocent puppy, because, given your track record on social media, your victim thinks of you as less Snoopy and more Cujo.
If your victim happens to mention that she is secretly a fan of Nickelback, and you casually mention that you know, because you saw the status she posted about going to their concert in Wisconsin three years and eight months ago, she will have a restraining order written up faster than you can get through the first chorus of “Rockstar.”

Keep your findings to yourself, and, if you can’t, then just please save yourself the embarrassment and don’t bother “researching” at all. (And frankly, I don’t know why you were wasting your time on a Nickelback fan in the first place…)

I would say that it’s okay if you’ve done one, or even all of these things, but “it happens all the time” and “its okay” are lies that girls are all too familiar with telling, so I’ll spare you.

If you or your friend has been a culprit of this cyber-stalking, please seek assistance, possibly through the guidance of a licensed therapist. And as for those of you who are doing the stalking: put your hands in the air and slowly back away from the social media accounts. There is so much more to life than knowing every aspect of your crush’s existence, or finding new reasons to hate your current infatuation’s ex. This is an intervention. Seek help.