Calling all the orphan zombies

Amber Cholewa, Head of Public Relations

Satire

Many people make zombies the bane of their existence, even here at the University of New Haven. Recently, a new quad was built on campus, and many of us are wondering why that is. Is it due to the fact that our school wants to cover up the zombie graveyard that has been brewing under Winchester lot for the last 102 years, and was it showing signs of the zombies breaking through the cracks?

These creatures aren’t any normal zombies; they are the orphans that lived here many years before us. This has been an underground scheme carried out by nuns living in Bethel, continued by the long line of Kaplans who served as presidents throughout the years.

Due to the backlash of having no fall week concert this year, SCOPE announced a last minute plan to win over the student body, with the help of USGA as a co-sponsor. The announcement stated that free exclusive merch will be available to all students, warning that it will run out before anyone comes due to the greedy SCOPE staff stealing all of the merch before the concert even starts. The zombies will make their debut in a big way by performing “Thriller” by Michael Jackson as a way to distract the students while they escape temporary confinement and take back their campus once and for all. But while the zombies are emerging, China Anne McClain will be opening the concert with “Calling All The Monsters” as they tear their way through our newest quad.

While this plan carries out the zombies will be taking back Winchester. You unfortunate souls should probably pack a bag or two and leave before they get antsy and start using your brain as a long awaited snack that they have been waiting over a century for. But if you’re living in Sheffield, Dunham or Westside do not assume you are safe; there are no boundaries for these orphan zombies. You have been warned, take this as one last grain of hope that maybe these zombies will hold off another century. You may think sleep deprived teens look like zombies, but you have never seen anything as scary as a teething toddler from the roaring 20s trying to feed on your brain.